DOUBT

I don't like these days when doubt seems to get a hold of me. I'm in an era of uncertainty, personally. And we are in era of uncertainty, collectively. For the most part, I've been able to embrace it; even feeling peaceful in the midst of it all. But lately, doubt has been hanging around, looking for an opening (the little sh*t). It starts with me getting in my head about running, and that's how doubt wedges its' foot in the door. Once in, it just makes itself at home, and, before I know it, I'm doing its' laundry and making it dinner. I don't even realize it's there until I get a series of seemingly small hits to my confidence. There is always a final one that makes me look up and say "Oh, hold on! Who let you in?!"

Today it was a podcast, that final straw. I have been having a tough go of it with running. I finished a big challenge a couple of weeks ago, and it takes our bodies time to recover from that. I am learning how I recover from those big efforts, and I think my body comes back before my mind does. So, it's been a struggle. I did not win that struggle this morning, but finished a warm up run (walk), determined to regroup and go after it again this afternoon. In the car on the way home, I tuned into a running podcast, and that's when it all came crashing down. As I was listening, after caving in on my workout, I felt like an imposter. I felt old. I didn't understand everything they were talking about. I felt ridiculous. Ridiculous for investing as much as I do into fitness and running. Ridiculous for thinking that running feeds my writing. Ridiculous for thinking I can write, that I can create a new career, that I can continue to create a life that's vibrant. Waves and waves of doubt and feeling foolish, and that voice inside confirming and affirming those feelings.

But here's the good news: I've been doing my work. And I know that dissenting voice inside is waaaayyy weaker than it used to be. Only one thing could be feeding lines to that voice, and that one thing is DOUBT. I don't believe that dissenting voice is the real me. I believe that voice is a collection of things I was taught and things I picked up along life's way; I believe part of that collection is what the culture has fed it, as well. I believe my real voice is different. When I listen to my real voice I feel hope, I feel excitement, I feel possibility. I feel limitless.

So, GET OUT, DOUBT! Times are uncertain, life is precious, and belief and hard work are the only things I have room for.