So, I'm walking & running 1,000 miles this summer. In my previous post I laid this out, and I said that I don't know exactly why I'm doing this, which is true. I have some random reasons, like to address this struggle I've been in with this voice in my head (intruder, actually--if I can say that without sounding crazy). It's done a pretty good job of convincing me that I can't run far, when I already have run far. Anyway, I respond to big challenges and it seemed like being on my feet a lot, day after day, could strengthen my voice and drive that intruder away. It doesn't like cheerfulness. Or confidence. It's like throwing water on the Wicked Witch of the West and watching her melt. So the idea, in short, is to spend the summer filling my bucket with water to pour over the intruder.
But I sense there's something bigger than that at play. And I've had enough experience now to know that what leads me into these experiences initially is just the carrot to get me all in. What I walk away with is something else entirely. And, honestly, that's why I signed on. I'm coming out of the last two years a little lost in all the big arenas of life, and I'm about to mark 5 years of taking my life back. I've come to realize during these 5 years that my body holds all the information and facts and secrets and history that I need to be strong, to have clarity, to feel peace & to be happy. And I get to have it all when I move my body, work my body, challenge my body and take care of my body. Furthermore, I get things I can't even imagine when I do this.
I realized almost immediately with this challenge that job one was to surrender. This is going to be day after day, for 92 days, of logging an average of 11 miles per day to get to my goal. Which means (this is courtesy of my coach) that I need to keep my foot on the gas and "frontload" as many miles as I can--put them in a savings account, essentially--because life will happen and if I can't get 11 miles in some days I need to be able to draw from that account. (See? Right there a gigantic life lesson and I hadn't even logged my first mile!)
So, I'm walking this morning, and it's really hot, and everything really hurts on the first walk of the day, and I'm thinking about this idea of surrender while listening to a podcast. And in this podcast the host is talking about what you do when you don't know what to do, and his solution is to just hand it over--to God, to the Universe, to Spirit, to that great, mysterious space where things happen that aren't in our control--however you look it, whatever you call it, whatever that means for you: just take whatever it is, and hand it over.
Here. I don't know what to do with this. You take it. Here.
And I'm walking along thinking, Oh, that's what I'm doing! I've combined ACTION with SURRENDER. One of the definitions of surrender is to deliver. I'm surrending with this action; I'm delivering surrender with my feet. I'm offering this act in some kind of faith everyday--faith that some transformation will take place because, for a moment in my head, the voice that said "Why don't you walk 1,000 miles this summer" rose above the intruder and I listened.
So off I go again to grab some more miles. They are all melding into one another and into my days--everything is becoming more integrated. Integration is an emerging lesson. Also, that intruder in my head? That thing needs less airtime, less attention. The fact that this idea came to me and now I'm out there on the pavement and trails doing it? That's where the attention belongs. So: HERE, God, Universe, Spirit, Great Mysterious Space where things happen that are out of my control--Here is the intruder. I don't know what to do with this. You take it. Here.
I'm going for a walk.